Happy Mother's Day to Me!

Recently, for medical reasons, got an IUD. IUDs, for those of you who don't know (Since I have such a huge audience), are Intrauterine devices and they look like this:








So it goes through the cervix and sits inside the uterus making the environment too inhospitable for eggs to implant.

I got the kind that has hormones in it. Let me stress that these are for women who have already had kids, ie their cervices have been stretched out by a baby coming out. So this is what happened when I went to get my IUD:

I show up at the doctor's office and am told that my insurance policy has been terminated and that I'll have to pay for the procedure out of pocket. I'm freaking out because I know that I still have insurance, and that I got a call two days previously approving it. I call my insurance company and realize that I just have a new policy number. Ok, that part is smoothed over.

I am the first patient of the day, so I am told to go back to exam room areas. I am weighed and blood pressured and then the nurse tells me that the doctor wants to talk to me before the procedure. (I am really nervous about this, by the way as I have been warned that it's a very unpleasant process. I'm pretty tough, so I'm like, "hey, I can handle this" except as the hours are ticking towards actually getting it shoved up in there, I'm starting to get a little anxious), so I find the idea that the doctor wants to talk to me reassuring.

I should point out that as I am sitting in the exam room waiting, and getting all the preliminary stuff done, I can hearing the doctor screaming profanity and yelling about different stuff. He doesn't seem to be directing it to anyone personally, but he seems really angry. So, I'm starting to get really scared that he's some kind of vagina butcher, not the mythical Vagina Whisperer.

So I get lead into his office and sit down. I say, "hi". He looks up at me and says "hi" back. "How are you?", I begin. He says, "What are you here for?" I say, "an IUD". He says, "Is there something you want to talk about?" and I say, "no, but we can if you want". He is quiet for a second and while still maintaining eye contact with me yells, "Nina! Why is my IUD in my office instead of getting prepped?!?". "Oh, shit", I think.

I am lead back to the exam room and told to undress. This is where I'm starting to get kind of freaked out. The nurse comes in and I ask her, "how badly is this going to hurt?". She says, "oh, there's going to be some pretty severe cramping". "ok", I think to myself, "I can handle this".

Then the doctor comes in. Now he's in patient mode and acts like the encounter we have just had hasn't happened, so I follow his lead. He's Mr. Affability and I'm starting to feel more reassured. I ask if I am going to cry. He tells me that he doubts it. I'm starting to feel pretty ok about this.

Then he opens up my cervix and I'm moaning and crying. Here is the best way I can explain what this feels like: if you've ever had a filling, then you know the feeling when they push the needle in with the Novocaine and it's burning and stinging and just hurting all at the same time. Imagine that on one of the most sensitive parts of your body. That's what it felt like.

I wish I was making this up, but then he drops the IUD on the floor while I'm all opened up and waiting for it, so the nurse has to go out and get another one. Then he put it in and I was sobbing. I said, "I guess that answers the question about whether or not I would cry". I felt like such a baby, and he said something about me being more sensitive than most other people (read: "you are a baby").

The part about this that I find most startling is this: I was concerned about getting an IUD since they are not supposed to be recommended for people with multiple sex partners as they can increase the risk of getting certain types of infections. So, I talked to a friend of mine who is in nursing school and asked her what she thought. She asked me how many sex partners I was planning on having in the next five years. I said that I thought a safe bet was that I wouldn't exceed 40. I know that sounds like a lot, but it's only eight a year. Don't be so judgemental. Anyway, the part that freaked me out was that I realized that nowhere in my calculations did it even occur to me that I might be in a monogamous relationship at some point in the next five years. That's a tad depressing.

So the update on this is that my first IUD came out and they put a new one in. That one has started to come out as well. Since it was just Mothers Day and all, I thought I should make the announcement that I'm the proud single mother of two pieces of plastic! Hoorah!